Last Updated on October 14, 2022
Many of us aren’t ready for the party to end after the Fourth of July. We spend so much time, money, and physical exertion to honor the U.S. on this day by celebrating with beer, fireworks, and emergency hospital visits, but where does that leave us on July 5th? Tired, hungover, and forced to clean up a mess? Yay!
But what if the world could offer you much more in July than one party? Do you think you could accept the challenge of finding a way to celebrate at least five special days set aside for fun in America’s Unofficial Holiday Calendar? The coolest thing about these holidays is that, yes, many of these days do have an important purpose, to bring awareness to an issue that’s important to many people. Still, we’re Americans and can honor our personal understanding of freedom in July.
To many Americans, freedom means individuality, sexual liberation, and sparkling explosions in the night sky. It can be a wild ride, but someone has to do it. And you can. Let’s keep the party open for the rest of the month, shall we?
World/National Kissing Day, July 6
Our first holiday, World Kissing Day, is also referred to as National Kissing Day. It’s the day we show loved ones we care with a big ol’ smooch, even if it’s just on the cheek. It’s also a great day to experiment and see if kissing is indeed the gateway drug to sex, as many junior high sex-ed textbooks would have you believe.
Experiment with your kissing skills and try some new tricks while you’re at it. Practice by kissing your loved one all over their body and communicating with each other about how it makes you feel. You’ll burn calories, relieve stress, and increase your natural immunity to disease. Who knows where else it will lead?
Do it for the kissing. Do it for science. Do it for your country.
National Nude Day/ National Tape Measure Day/ Pandemonium Day, July 14
National Nude Day allows you to embrace your body and walk around naked and confident all day (just not out in public in the U.S.). You can also encourage others to let it all hang out and love themselves, just as they should. WARNING: Nakedness has been known to lead to general debauchery and sexual exploration. Have fun!
National Tape Measure Day is a celebration of a handy tool you can use to measure the length and width of things all over the house. If your partner has a penis, you can put any worries or ego trips to rest by measuring it once and for all. Measure the extra space in your basement to see if you have room for the sex swing you want to order. Use it to measure the door frames before ordering any other large toys for the bedroom. Keep it handy; you never know when you may need it.
National Pandemonium Day is an excellent holiday for proud hedonists who enjoy a little chaos in their sex lives. This is a most beautiful day for an orgy. Invite some like-minded friends, throw a tarp on the floor, and ensure that there’s plenty of drink, food, and lube to keep the energy up and the friction down. Amp up the chaos by having everyone wear a blindfold. You may not know whose junk you’re fiddling with at the moment, but that’s okay. The purpose of this day may not be to learn how to control the chaos, but instead, try embracing it and going with the flow.
Fifty points if you can find a way to celebrate all three of these holidays at once. As they say, you’re only limited by your imagination.
Toss Away the Could Haves and Should Haves Day, July 16
This holiday may sound more like Marie Kondo’s birthday, but the day is actually for getting rid of the ‘what if’ feelings that ruminate in our minds:
Should I have bought the Toyota instead of the Chevy? Could I have been chosen for that job instead of this other person? I should have bought that other vibrator; this one isn’t doing what it should/could? And the ever-popular: I should have worn a condom!
Ignore the past and concentrate on your future decisions. Let go of what doesn’t bring you joy. Move on from old hook-ups that have gotten stale and start looking for what, or who, you want to do right now. If you have someone, invite them over. If you’re alone, jump online and find someone to spend the day with. Regret is a bad place to make your home, and the cost of living there is much too high. Instead, try out new things, people, positions, and adventures.
You can treat this day as your sex life’s New Year’s Eve and make a resolution or two. Out with the old and in with the new exciting possibilities, practices, and routines. Your new sex life begins now.
Gorgeous Grandma Day, July 23
Have you heard of a GILF? Back in the 90s, American Pie and Stifler’s gorgeous mom taught us what a MILF is. But what is a GILF?
On Gorgeous Grandma Day, a GILF is a Grandma I’d Love to F*ck. If you’re into cougars, pumas, and other crazy cat names they have for older women who enjoy the sexual talents and seemingly unlimited stamina of a younger person, then this is your day. There are adventurous grandmas out there that don’t spend all their time knitting sweaters and finding suitable mates for their children/grandchildren. Grannies want to have fun too. They’re experienced, knowledgeable, and comfortable in their skin. They also carry small candies in their purse and will still give you a dollar for the ice cream man.
When you’re over 18, age is just a number. So Gorgeous Grandma Day is a win for everyone.
National Hire A Veteran Day, July 25
It comes as no shock to anyone that too many of our veterans are neglected and ignored when they come home. While July 25th is a day for HIRING a veteran, not all of us have hiring capabilities for paid jobs. But we can show our appreciation in other ways.
A short unpaid internship may brighten their outlook and put a spring in their step. So what do you need them to do? Check out the strength and durability of your mattress? Monitor your water pressure in the shower (of course, you would need to be in there too. Safety in numbers.)? Help you set up the sex swing you bought last week? The entire goal is to say thank you by giving something back in return for your freedom, even if it’s just a blow job.